Bart Simpson Quotes
Marge: All right children. Let me have those letters, I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
Bart: Oh, please. There's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.
Mr Burns: Make yourselves at home.
Bart: You hear that dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
Bart (saying grace): Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
At the library:
Bart: Lisa we can't afford all these books.
Lisa: Bart, we're just going to borrow them.
Bart (winks, slyly): Oh, heh, heh, gotcha.
Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
Bart: What's she got against me?
Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
Bart: Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!
Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is...resting.
Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.
Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-Up Book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure.
Mrs Krabappel: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.
Bart: Hey, it's a teddy bear...Ew! Gross! It's probably diseased or something...Here Maggie.
Bart: What a day eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, the birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them...as is my understanding.
Bart: Wow mum, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before.
Marge: This town is a part of who you are. This is a Springfield Isotopes cap; when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield.
Bart: Mum, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield!
Bart: Aw, recycling's useless Lis. Once the Sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.
Bart (on Christmas): Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? - The birth of Santa!
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing how you can watch women changing and all that, but if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise to donate half the profits to charity.
Bart: Dad, he's not stupid.
Milhouse: We have to spread this stuff around - let's put it on the internet.
Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter.
Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry - I don't even like using the bathroom after you!
Bart: Hey dad, heard you swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap.
Bart: And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do, which distract attention from the stuff I'm doing.
Bart: I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.
Bart: I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
Bart (on Homer): All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
Sherri: Hey Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent.
Bart: What does incompetent mean?
Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.
Bart: Oh, Okay. I thought you were putting him down.
Bart: Contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous, nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution; World War II; and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures.
Bart: Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
Bart: I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson - only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell as kings!
Bart: Soul? Come one Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul! It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson.
Mr Doyle: So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well, I know hell, damn, bit...
Mr Doyle: Cursive handwriting, script. Do you know the multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know of them.
Mrs Krabappel: Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want you all to be on your best behaviour. Especially you, Bart.
Bart: Mrs Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!
