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Your Chalkboard

Some of the lines that Bart writes on the chalkboard in the opening credits are hilarious. Conversely, some are not-so-good. Ever thought you could do better? Well, here's your chance:

Wendel's testicles are his own property
The Principal does not have VD
Scream is not appropriate to show to pre-schoolers
Flashing is not an acceptable pastime
Next time the Principal will kill me
rob@duff-brewery.co.uk

I will not make Ralph wet his pants with scary stories
DBON12@aol.com

My butt is not a canvas
FARTMAN14@aol.com

If you're reading this you're paying way to much attention
I will not write to the audience
I'm very, very sorry I amputated Milhouse
Sk8rKid246@aol.com

I will not throw flaming monkeys in class
Neon10dion@aol.com

I am not the President of the United States of America
capfog@gofree.indigo.ie

I cannot copyright the Pledge of Allegiance
Steve Nieman

Milhouse's glasses are not for burning things
Krusty is not God
I will not bribe the teacher with cigarettes
Hoodwink96@aol.com

I: will";;. not' over-use."..punctuation!!!??
Magic Markers are not actually magical
The teacher will not respond to a raised foam #1 finger instead of a regular hand
I will not respond to every question by asking "you calling me a liar?"
I will not pity the fool that doesn't eat my cereal
Charles Keyes

I will not make butt faces to my teacher
I will not start food fights in the cafeteria
I will not try and reincarnate dead animals in the science lab
I will not fill balloons up with laughing gas
I should not put gum in the teacher's hair
I will not write "the Principal did it with animals" on the wall
Paul Mullings

I will not hit on the teacher for an A
Ruffrider4life3@aol.com

Gasoline is flammable
Playboy is not appropriate for Show & Tell
I will not put live squid in the teachers thermos
I am not related to Hugh Hefner
Kindergarten kids don't want to know where babies REALLY come from
Grapple23@aol.com

I will forget what you guys were doing in the car
Perkygrl278@aol.com

I will not attempt to dig to China between periods
Kenneth Sullivan Evanston II

I am not God, or the Tooth Fairy, or Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or...
I will not yell "Are you mocking me?" out in the middle of a silent auditorium
Skateboards are not weapons
I can't blame everything on my parents
JuliaGoolia2@aol.com

I will not flood the Principal's Office
Jaibarb@aol.com

I will not super glue my teacher to the chair
BirchGS@aol.com

School does not suck
Pompons45@aol.com

I will not unleash a herd of frogs in the school
I will not take pictures of the teachers and broadcast them over the internet under www.monkeys,whales,and rotten fish.com
I will not cross out Springfield Elementary and put in Bart's Zoo
Emhoolah@aol.com

I will not burp my abc's in church
BILL8620@aol.com

Millhouse is not an "Oops baby"
The principal's pants are not on fire
I saw nothing
I will not refer to my teacher as "Jabroni"
I am not Sadam Hussein
I will not yell out letters incoherently
I will not start singing "Don't stop the music" when the teacher says something
HULKSTER256@aol.com

Of all things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
I will not give sticky tac out as gum
I will not pour glue in the teachers water bottle
I won't repeat President Clinton
I will not laugh when the teacher says "Do your assignment"
During history, I will not sing "This land is my land it is not your land, I got a shotgun and you don't got one"
SunChikDaisy55@aol.com

The principal's office is not the restroom
I may not call the teacher Mrs. Krap
Catherine Stone

I will not run for office, just to "get some action"
My homework was not stolen by gypsies
God is not dead, he's just resting
This is not a mind numbing exercise
Castro is not onto something
I am not finger licking good
Teachers will not rot in hell
An "F" doesn't stand for "Far out", "Funky" or "Fantastic"
I will not be postmodern
Bob Vogel, bobvogel@hotmail.com

I will not scream out Marilyn Manson lyrics at the top of my lungs
I will not yell out " Glow my pretty's, Glow !!!" in the middle of class
I will not blame everything on Satan
I will not use the excuse "the butler did it"
I will not mock the Special Ed students
I will not continuously imitate Tom Green
I will not advise the teacher to "Tell it , baby!" in the middle of class
I will not tell everyone what's the "real deal" with Smithers, you know what I mean
I do not have the "number of the beast" tattooed on my butt
I will not give my bologna a first or second name
I will not advise others to commit suicide
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not laugh maniacally for no reason
I will not post doctored pictures of the teacher on the web
Pat & Heather, pandhlc@shaw.ca

The teacher's car is not a port-a-loo.
Uncle Pat, pat_channon@hotmail.com

I will not pee in Martin's desk.
John Hugar

The principal's toupee is not toilet paper.
HansMoleman13, molemaster@springsonina.com

Farts are neither musical nor funny.
I am not the phantom of the auditorium.
This school is not haunted.
I do not see dead people.
Luke, Blue72089@yahoo.com

I will not Duff the Brewery.
Dan, mysteryisland@aol.com

I did not see the Principal Skinner making out with the teacher
I do not have X-ray vision
I am not Richard Gere
I will not use my history book as toilet paper
Aliens did not steal my homework on the way to school
Ralph's desk is NOT a urinal
It is not funny to repeat everything the teacher says
Skinner is not gay
I am not Radioactive man in my spare time
I will not operate on Milhouse
L.P, roxygrl_707@yahoo.com

Ralph is not a toy
I will not tease the fat kids
Sherri and Terri are not clones
Moomu8@aol.com

I will not replace the teacher's answer book with "The Joy of Sex"
I will not tell the pre-schoolers that there are monsters living up their noses
I will not pray to Satan in the middle of religious studies
I will not grab the teachers butt and say "Milhouse did it"
I will not pretend to have herpes and say that I need to go home and take my medication when there's a test
I will not stab Martin in the ear with a pencil and say that he had an itch he wanted me to take care of
I will not swap the teacher's medication with sleeping pills
I will not use Ralph as a foot rest
I will not glue Sherri and Terri together and say they are Siamese twins
School desks are not for keeping mouldy sandwiches in
I will not write a report on Live Organ Transplants and use Martin as an example
Hugh Jass, (what a fantastic alias)

It is against my religion to do this
Daniel Callaghan, danieljames50@hotmail.com

Otto is not cool
Peter Leed, victoriabitter@cornerpub.com

I did not invent the internet
I will not develop highly efficient rocket fuelling systems during my free time
I will on post "Caution: Wet Floor" on the carpets
I will not point hair dryers out the window at passing cars.
Jonathan Meier, RenegadeMWarrior@juno.com

Plastic explosive is not edible
I will not sell stock in class
Tony Harrison, tony@cool-palace.com

I will not make fun of human nature
Conrad Larson, bustedkrum@hotmail.com

I did not shoot JR
The devil didn't make me do it
My mom did not sleep with President Clinton
Milhouse's sexuality is his own business
I am not The Chosen One
Tim, wheelybin88@hotmail.com

I will not surprise the incontinent
Melxiaoyu@aol.com

I will not use Ralph as a butt scratcher
I will not spit spitballs at Lisa's classmates
I will not give poison berries to Ralph
Kelly, k_richard1@cableaz.com

I did not start the rumour about Y2K
Ryan Laforest, hockeydude2k2@cogeco.ca

What are you looking at?
I am not God
I am not the Devil
I am not Moe
I should not beat up Ralph.
Milo, theonecalledmilo@aol.com

I will not use the basins in the Teachers' Room as a toilet
My school books cannot be sold on EBay
I cannot pay Lisa to do my homework
Philip, iownthissopayme@hotmail.com

The sheriff had it coming, but the deputy was all Lisa
Next time, I'll shoot Burns
Fetal juice is not a new Tim Burton movie
The first amendment does not apply to vandalism
I'll try to make the show more profitable for Mr Groening
Dr Riveria is not a good roll model
A salary greater than $10,000 is out of my reach
Matt, duff4meduff4u@aol.com

I will not invade a sovereign nation
I will not auction my soul on EBay
I do not have ants in my pants
I will not torment the Prince of Darkness
The end is not near
Elvis does not live
WWJD doesn't mean We Want Jack Daniels
Avery, Jump2241@aol.com

Telemarketer is not a career choice
I wi-will no-ot stu-tte-er
Milhouse is not a Guinea pig
I ain't not a redneck, hyuck!
I will not quote my dad
Lisa is not my personal dictionary
I will not become a dictator
I am not God, you lowly mortal
Pollo Muņoz, homer_doh87@hotmail.com

The road to hell is not paved with good intentions
I shall not repeat everything the teacher says as a question
I am not a mime
I am not above the law
Scott, Katie, Adam, Mongit@hotmail.com

I will not record the principal in the restroom
Orie Jackiw

I am not sane
The class hamster is not a baseball
I will not bring construction equipment to school
C4 is not chewing gum
I will reveal my master plan when asked
I will not steal the teacher's tazer
I will not perform laser eye surgery on Millhouse
I will not feed kinder garden kids to the school's snake
Kindergarten teachers are not cannibals
My father is not a gorilla
Textbooks aren't weapons
I will not put Novocaine in Teacher's lunch
I will not suspect my teacher of being a terrorist
I will not declare war on Iraq
It's not okay to say a word just because it's in the dictionary
I will not sell home made skeleton keys
It's not my American flag
Phantom Lynx

I will not paint the school pink
I will not open the closet again
I will not bring beer for Show & Tell
I will not flood the girl's washroom
I will not put waterballons on the Christmas tree
I will not burp the jingle bells
I will not let prisoners out of their cells
Emma, SexyDevil12@hotmail.com

I will only do this once a year
Vinay, vinaysthebest@hotmail.com

I am not the discoverer of America
I have no good reasons for being a problem child
Telling everyone your mom's a stripper is not acceptable
Groeth Martin, groeth1794@aol.com

Ralph Wiggum is not a punching bag
Casey Killingsworth, cloverleafk@aol.com

Scratching my butt doesn't help me think
The Principal and his mother are not an item
Lisa is not the president of Dorksilvania
Ashlie

I am not a reincarnated mummy
Rebecca, none_of_your_business_6@hotmail.com

I am not certified to remove asbestos
A burp in a jar is not a science project
I am not delightfully saucy
Michelle, Shell421@aol.com

I will not perform open-heart surgery in class
I am not the King of Spain
I will not do somersaults down the hallway singing "I'm Henry the 8th I am" and eating a pickle
Joshua Wharton, ujwharto@mcs.drexel.edu

I am not a bending unit
Ghatari, elBartoc@hotmail.com

My teacher is not having a love affair with Martin
Sam Dillon, Dillons@villadorvic.freeserve.co.uk

I did not die
The teacher's lighter is not a play thing
I can't see dead people
I do not enjoy clapping erasers
No-one wants to see my butt
Underwear goes on the inside
I will not make disturbing noises with my armpits during class
I will not suck Martin's blood
Emma

I will not accidently leave a whoopee cushion on the teacher's chair
Sophie Bridges

I will not fling my boogers at millhouse again
Adam, smokerbob23@netscape.net

I will not try to take over the world
I will not join forces with the devil
Max, max.glenister@ntlworld.com

I am not Sherri or Terri's pimp
I will not call my teachers "trailer trash"
Coca Cola is not a multi national drug running operation
Fox is not a network that panders to the lowest common denominator
Milhouse does not need my help coming out of the closet
Ryan Weatherstone, weath742@wolves.northern.edu

I will never do this again
Craig, craigoneil@msn.com

I will not yell "turn up the volume" in the library
I will not throw bags of burning crap at the principal
Saying "it wasn't me" does not prove my innocence
Martin did not want a nose job
It is not appropriate to wear a shirt made of 100% weed
Grampa did not want to be buried in Russia
My nether lands are my own business
I will not hand out photocopies of my butt at the mall
I did not see Principal Skinner reading "The Joy of Sex"
I will not put pictures of Comic Book Guy in the personal ads
I will not tell Ralph that cow dung is a major food group
I will not give duff and Playdude to the pre-schoolers
I will not send 10 gallons of ice cream to a Weight Watchers meeting
I will not send 12 kegs of Duff to an AA meeting
Stephen, rborrow@cogeco.ca

Lisa's saxophone is not a substitute for the Boy's urinal
Joe

After all this writing wouldn't you think that my hand would get tired!
Justin, yo_dude_wazup@hotmail.com

There is no obvious reason to laugh at the word Pennsylvania
Erog La

I won't scare the Kindergartens with a vampire suit, or say I killed the Easter Bunny
Simpsonfan 101, rebharrington@aol.com

I will not take photos of teachers and put them on www.godthissucks.org
Alex

I will not steal Milhouse's glasses
Chris Bartram, doctor_worm44@hotmail.com

Mrs. Krabappel did not have a sex change
John Hugar

Dried mud cakes are not delicious pastries to trade off at lunch
There is no need to giggle when the words "moist," "wet," or "long" are used in a sentence
When the teacher says, "Shut up," you should not reply by saying, "Make me, slut!"
It is not advisable to tell the class to make aluminum hats to protect themselves from the alien instructor's mind-warping rays
Make prank calls on my own time, not on school time
My butt cheeks are not a canvas to be envied by Picasso himself
The school band's instruments are not meant to be broken over one's head like at real rock concerts
Carrot, carrot@sparkling-sunshine.net

Skinner is not a wiener
I will not overuse the words stink stink stink stink stink stink
Lunchlady Doris does not feed us cow hearts
Justin Y'all, jj4bs@hotmail.com

I never met Al Gore
I am not involved in the black market
I did not go to Elvis Presley's funeral

Rolodex Polk
My underwear is not a hat nor a flag

Justin, yo_dude_wazup@hotmail.com
I wil no wag speelin clas

Jenny Brown, jensta_au@hotmail.com
It IS NOT pronounced Crab apple
The squirrel did not deserve that
Chris, ciriii@hotmail.com

I did not open The Chamber of Secrets
I am not Harry Potter
RebHarringt@aol.com

I will not feed magic mushrooms to Ralph
I will not put ants down Lisa's back
Kelsey, kelso.main@ntlworld.com

I will not kidnap Britney Spears
I will not tease the dingos
I did not kill Kenny
Sideshow Bob is not out to get me
I will not do bird calls during recess
I do not control China
Mosquito bites are not deadly
I will not tamper with the teacher's medication
I will not blame someone else for my mistakes
Nelson is not god
Satan does not control my body
My website is not www.skinnersucks.com
Milhouse is not an eraser
I am not a forensic Scientist
The king is not alive
I am not The Weakest Link
Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't make everything OK
I still don't know what you did last summer
Bugs Bunny is not on crack
I do not own Fox network
Jamie Kennedy did not "X" me
Skinner is not an SOB
I do not have a secret Identity
berryblitz@comcast.net

I not able to predict when someone's going to die
I'm not related to George Washington
Shelby McNulty

My mom is not Wonder Woman
CoolHomer, Ozzy_Jones@hotmail.com

I will not poke the teacher with my pencil
I will not become a daredevil
Edna Krabapple does not smoke like a chimney.
Guy, themaster1491@hotmail.com


Submit Your Own

Got your own funny chalkboard saying? If so, then why not submit it to The Duff Brewery?

Please note that this is your Chalkboard. I only want lines that you have made-up, not ones that have been in the show.

Name:
E-mail Address:
Lines:


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