Homer Simpson Quotes
Homer: Dammit, I'm no Supervising Technician. I'm a Technical Supervisor. It’s too late to teach this old dog new tricks.
Homer (playing golf): That shot is impossible; Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it.
Homer (about the Itchy & Scratchy Show): You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
Homer: I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: "Cover for me". Number 2: "Oh, good idea boss". Number 3: "It was like that when I got here".
1974:
Guidance Counsellor: Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation?
Homer: Me? Stay out late, drink a lot of beer.
1974 Again:
Teacher: This year's topic is "Resolved: The nation speed limit should be lowered to 55 miles per hour."
Homer: 55! That's ridiculous! Sure, they'll save a few lives. But, millions will be late!
Lisa: Maybe we should write another letter. One that says goodbye, but lets her feel loved.
Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville, population: You"
Homer: Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? Uh-huh, and what's your birthday? No kidding. And Lisa's birthday? What? You don't even know your sister's birthday? What kind of brother are you?
Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been taking a whizz.
Kent Brockman: And in environmental news, scientists have discovered that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
Homer: Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.
Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No we won't, I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name's Mother Shabubu now.
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: I dunno, you gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
Homer: Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?
A List of let-down lines Homer's heard:
"I like you as a friend"
"I think we should see other people"
"I no speak English"
"I'm married to the sea"
"I don't want to kill you, but I will..."
Teacher: Now, I'm going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has.
Homer: Nooooo!
Teacher: The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet donut.
Homer (sobbing): This is not happening! This is not happening!
Mr Burns: Who the devil are you?
Homer's Brain: Don't panic, just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr Burns.
Homer's Brain: D'oh!
Homer (opening the mail): Oh my God, somebody's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.
Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Homer: Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
Homer: I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
Mr Blackheart: I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
Homer: Here's the keys.
Mr Blackheart: Elephants don't have keys.
Homer: Well, I'll just keep these then.
Bartender: Sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
Homer: But I am a pilot.
Bartender: Where's your uniform?
Homer: I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers, I can get by with one.
Homer: This year I've invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October, and I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in!
Marge: I'm sorry, Homer doesn't mean to be rude. He's just a very complicated man.
Homer (leaning out of a window, breaking a plate on his head): Wrong!
Lisa: I like him, he's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance.
Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-tip.
Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Homer: Boy when Marge told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead, it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, give me my pepper spray.
Homer: Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border.
Homer (to Marge): Come on honey, you work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.
Homer: Stealing? How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
Marge: No! I will not pay $500 for sex!
Homer: Aw, come on Marge! You're getting something in return! And I'm getting a bowling team, it's win-win!
Marge: It's sick! And I don't have that kind of money to spend on sex! Maybe you could get someone with money to sponsor your team. Like Mr Burns.
Homer: Pfft. Burns never gives money to anybody. Just last week I asked him for fifteen hundred dollars.
Marge: For what?
Homer: Oh, I got to get the third degree from you too?
Homer: Maybe for once someone will call me "Sir" without adding "you're making a scene"
Homer: Here are your messages; "You have 30 minutes to move your car"; "You have 10 minutes to move your car"; "Your car has been impounded"; "Your car has been crushed into a cube"; "You have 30 minutes to move your cube"
Grampa: Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet Merciful McGillicuddy, ya gotta open the door!
Homer: Who is it?
Homer (chanting): We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!
Bart: Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer: Nope.
Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
Homer: Oh my God! Space Aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive oil tanker has run aground on the Central Coastline spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.
Lisa: Oh no!
Homer: It'll be OK honey, there's lots more oil where that came from.
Homer: Oh honey, I didn't get drunk. I just went to a strange fantasy world!
Marge: The Lord only asks for one hour a week.
Homer: In that case, he should have made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
Marge: Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out.
Marge: You know Homer, it's easy to criticise...
Homer (butting in): Fun too.
Marge: I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time.
Homer: Open a window.
Marge (to Santa's Little Helper): Come on, you have to go outside to do your...business.
Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something, you should do it yourself first, to show them how.
Marge: I'm not going to the bathroom in the back yard.
Homer: Pfft, sorry, Your Majesty.
Glen: Why don't you come chat with us at our welcome centre?
Homer: Will there be beer?
Glen: Beer is not allowed.
Homer: Homer no function well beer without.
Bart: Cool! God is so in-your-face!
Homer: Yeah, he's my favourite fictional character.
Homer: I paid my taxes over a year ago!
Homer: I never apologise Lisa, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
Homer: You signed my name? I feel so violated.
Marge: You've signed my name dozens of times.
Homer: But this isn't like a loan application or a will!
Homer: I'm not normally a praying man. But if you're up there, please save me Superman!
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever, it's a two man job.
Homer: I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha - I love you all!
Mr Burns: Simpson! I need your help, I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer...
Homer: Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude are you?
Photographer: Well yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
Homer: Well I don't, but the Block Association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa Clause.
Man: You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Homer: Well, you now, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have…
Homer: If the bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
Homer: Marge please, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studies, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Homer: Six simple words – I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
Homer: Marge, let’s end all this feuding and fussing and get down to some loving.
Homer: It takes two to lie – one to lie and one to listen.
Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How To Increase Your Word Power”, that thing is really, really, really good.
Bart: Cheer up mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford.
Homer: You can call them Whitey-whackers!
Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and - are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week?
Homer: Marge, I'm only human!
Homer: Now son, you don't wanna drink beer, that’s for daddy’s and kids with fake ID.
Apu: You look familiar sir, are you on television or something?
Homer: Sorry buddy, you got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid centre.
Flanders: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbour.
Homer: Shut up Flanders!
Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse.
Homer: That four-eyes with the big nose? You don't need friends like that.
Homer: The evening began at the Gentleman’s Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard, ya happy?
Homer: Quiet you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Homer: Marge, there’s just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second that all those things go away, we'll have sex.
Homer: Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.
Homer: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whisky bottle - remember that?
Marge: Is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Lisa: Dad, I think that’s pretty spurious.
Homer: Well thank you honey.
Homer: This place is depressing.
Grampa: Hey! I live here.
Homer: Oh well, I'm sure it’s a blast once you get used to it.
Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle – they're on TV!
Homer: Don't let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
Homer: Must destroy mankind! (his watch alarm goes off) Ooh, lunchtime.
Homer: And Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
Homer: Asleep at the switch! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
Homer: It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.
Homer: Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
Homer’s Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday, and...
Homer: The Springfield River.
Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.
Bart & Lisa: Nooooooo!
Homer: Mainly your mother.
Homer: Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It’s what’s separates us from the animals, except the weasel.
Homer: The doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughing at me.
Herb Powell: I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpson’s out there, and I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I want to let you!
Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy (voice of Itchy & Scratchy): No Homer. Very few cartoon are broadcast live - it’s a terrible strain on the animators’ wrists.
Homer: I'm a bad father!
Selma: You're also fat!
Homer: I'm also fat!
Homer: A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
Homer: Now, I appreciate that honey, but we need $150 here.
Homer: Now listen, you big, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody eats the Simpsons!
Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife’s sisters - or as I call them "The Gruesome Twosome".
Homer: As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger’s G-string.
Homer: My mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment", and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something.
Homer (buying a toy for Maggie): It says it’s for dogs, but she can't read.
Marge: Homie, we don't have to get married again.
Homer: Yes we do - I got us a divorce this afternoon.
Homer: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotion time and again, and I say, this stinks!
Homer: I'm a lonely insignificant on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!
Marge: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier.
Homer: That reminds me, Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently, he doesn't really love Selma, and the marriage is just a sham to help his career.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life.
Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today’s gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony!
Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff - and I want in!
Homer: Who spread garbage all over Flanders’ yard before I got chance to?
Homer: Marge, look at me! We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours I'll be dead.
Homer: Look, just gimme some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with ya!
Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
Marge: Homer, there’s a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he’s a scientist.
Homer: Batman’s a scientist.
Marge: It’s not batman!
Marge: What do you think Bart’s doing up there?
Homer: I dunno, drug lab?
Marge: Drug lab!?
Homer: Or reading comic books, what am I, Kreskin?
Mr Burns: I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets.
Homer: Who wouldn't?
Homer (explaining his absence from work): You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week…I told you, my baby beat me up…Oh it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
Homer: My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world has gone gay!
Merchant: Sir I must strongly advise you, do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I myself was once president of Algeria.
Homer: C'mon pal, I didn't ask for your life story!
Homer: Mr Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it’s all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts, and the possibility of more donuts to come.
Homer: You know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw-ups.
Homer: It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
Homer: Well let’s just call them Mr X and Mrs Y. So, anyway, Mr X would say: "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J Simpson".
Homer (talking to Lisa about Stampy): Everything’s cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the back yard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.
Homer: I'm a white male aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me - no matter how dumb my suggestions are!
Homer: It’s just that I've only seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye…What I mean to say is: we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie.
Homer: Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!
Homer: Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry - oh well, let’s just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Homer: Where is Bart anyway, his dinner’s getting all cold and eaten.
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!
Homer: Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw!
Lisa: Watch yourself dad, you're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Let that be a lesson to ya sweetie, never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me.
Homer: They won't let me in the big people's library downtown. There was some...unpleasantness. I can never go back.
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power.You strap yourself in and feel the G's!
Homer: Just go ahead and sue me - everyone else does! The average settlement is $68,000.
Homer: I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love and I won't be back for 10 minutes!
Marge: How was your day at work dear?
Homer: Oh the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough...
Homer: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.
Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Homer: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.
Marge: You know, you're right, Homer, maybe I should get some professional help.
Homer: No, no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.
Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day, putting his ass on the line. And I'm not the one out of order - you're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Cos when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!
Jay Sherman: Nice to meet you Marge, I saw your hair from the plane. And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.
Homer: It was a gummi bear.
Homer: Good old Evergreen Terrace, the swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates.
Bart: Well, if you love it so much, why are you always littering?
Homer: It's easier, duh!
Marge: It's 11 o'clock at night! Where do you think you're going?
Bart: Downtown.
Lisa: We're going to get seats for the Itchy & Scratchy parade.
Marge: I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night. Homer, you go too.
Homer: Aw, why can't they just take the gun?
Homer: Oh my God! I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24, I never stopped to think it might affect someone that I cared about. You know what, Apu, I'm really gonna miss you.
Marge: I feel terrible. The Van Houtens split-up at our party.
Homer: Marge, please! That was twenty minutes ago.
Bart: I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good for you son, giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't do anything!
Homer: Didn't he Lisa? ::pauses:: Hey, wait a minute, he didn't!
Homer: You're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes.
Marge: We're very proud of you, by the way.
Homer: And sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could.
Marge: But he's safely locked away.
Homer: In a minimum security prison.
Marge: For life.
Homer: Unless he gets out somehow.
Marge: Which is impossible.
Homer: Or so you'd think, except he's done it so many times before...
Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is I didn't imagine it.
Ned: Homer, I've got a fozzie of a bear of a problem. Y' know, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wring God because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.
Homer: Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned: Well, and hoodily-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I have to drive to Capital City, fill out some forms to get 'em out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight.
Homer: Uh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you Flanders, but...uh...Marge was taken prisoner in the...uh...Holy Land...and...
Lisa: I'll do it! I'll baby sit!
Flanders: Well, I don't know Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately.
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible, and my parents will be right next door.
Flanders: Well, what do you say Homer? Can Lisa baby sit for my kids?
Lisa: Please! Please! Please!
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her...
Bart: But church can be fun...no really with music and lights and dancing...
Homer: And chilli fries.
Brother Faith: I sense your feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer: Yeah, and I got a bucket on my head.
