Great Simpson Quotes
Reverend Lovejoy: Because these are children's toys the fire will spread quickly...stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
Krusty: Hey kids! Who do you love?
Audience: Krusty!
Krusty: How much do you love me?
Audience: With all our hearts!
Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?
Audience: We'd kill ourselves!
TV Announcer 1: Plus the amazing...
TV Announcer 2: The outstanding...
TV Announcer 3: The unbelievable...
All 3: Truckasaurus!!
TV Announcer 2: Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing prehistoric insanity!
TV Announcer 1: One night only!
TV Announcer 2: One night only!
TV Announcer 3: One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday
TV Announcer 1: If you miss this, you better be dead or in jail.
TV Announcer 2: And if you're in jail, break out!
TV Announcer 3: Be there!
Roger Meyers Junior: That screwball Marge Simpson, We've got to stop her, but how?
Animator: Drop an anvil on her head.
1st Board Member: Hit her on the head with a piano.
2nd Board Member: Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
Moe: Homer, lighten up. You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is the cancer on this fair City. He is the cancer and I am the...uh...what cures cancer?
Burns: Dammit Smithers, this isn't rocket science - it's brain surgery.
Lou: Let's see your licence pal.
Otto: No can do. Never got one. But if you need proof of my identity, I wrote my name in my underpants (looks)...oh, wait, these aren't mine.
Otto (to Patty): Have you always been a chick? I mean, I, I, y'know, don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.
Smithers: I think women and semen don't mix.
Mrs Krabappel: Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth control pills with Tic-Tac's...
Kent Brockman: Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded Greenhouse Effect? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the 'price' of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.
Abe: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.
Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
Lionel Hutz: Don't worry Mrs Simpson, I...uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda run over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son".
Lionel Hutz: Mr Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night, the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.
Tannoy Announcement: Attention, Marge Simpson, your son has been arrested...Attention, Marge Simpson, we've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Marge: On TV that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe. But in the next scene the cat was breathing comfortably.
Itchy & Scratchy Spokesman: Just like in real life.
Homer: Wait a minute! There's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
Woman: What was her problem?
TV Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals writhed and useless.
Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded", I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?
Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at City Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced "dead". He was then transferred to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive".
Lisa: Bart, do you realise what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die!
Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world!
Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer: Just a second. No, it's a place I've never seen before.
Selma: Ah, the shower!
Krusty: Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.
TV Announcer: “It's A Krusty Kinda Christmas” brought to you by ILG - selling your body's chemicals after you die - and by L'il Sweetheart cupcakes - a subsidiary of ILG.
Hollis Hurlbut: Get out! You're banned from this Historical Society! You and your children and your children's children!...For 3 months.
On Roger Meyers Senior:
Chester J Lampwick: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those "weekdays"
Park Ranger: OK search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humour the children. Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. OK everybody, put on your corpse handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere on this mountain.
Dr J Loren Pryor: Mr and Mrs Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidation to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Teacher: And the ugly duckling was amazed to realise it had grown into a beautiful swan. So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No.
Chief Wiggum: What did this Christmas thief look like?
Bart: Well he had a glass eye, wooden leg, big scar on his cheek.
Chief Wiggum: Anything unusual?
Bart: Hooks for hands. Oh, oh. He was wearing a striped convicts shirt, and he was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it.
Chief Wiggum: Classic burglar.
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate.
Skinner: Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N.? Or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
Grampa: How long do I have to live doc?
Dr Hibbert (laughing): I'm amazed you're alive now!
Comic Book Guy: Breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.
Ned Flanders: I don't need to be told what to think - by anyone living.
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
Upon meeting Kang & Kodos:
Homer (lowering his trousers and bending over): I suppose you’ll want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over with.
Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
Nelson’s Dad: Great game son. C'mon, I'm taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Aw, I don't wanna bother mum at work.
Mr Burns: Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I'm guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
Bart: Santa’s Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him.
Milhouse: You got that right. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Ralph: When I grow up I want to be a Principal or a caterpillar.
Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man’s eyes. Thank heaven for children!
Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr Burns: I specifically said no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Flanders: Why me Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side! I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?
Krusty: But you've gotta come back Mel, we're a team!
Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
Willie: I dinna cry when my own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now.
Jebediah Springfield: Know ye who read this, there is more to my life than history records. Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo, it was already tame, I merely shot it.
Hank Scorpio: Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody, it would really help me a lot.
Kent Brockman: Mr Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr Burns: Oh meltdown is one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders…my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno, something about being gay.
Luann: If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys who egged our Bonneville.
Kirk: Heh. I should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could have had a decent breakfast for once.
Renee: Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well the part that's showin'. Guess you could have a lotta weird scars or a fake ass or somethin'.
Renee: You don't talk to a lot of women do you?
Skinner: I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas.
Homer: Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?
Skinner: Yes you can.
Cletus: Alright young un's, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches.
Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
Moe: Aw Homer, you know your money's no good here - wait a minute! This is real money!
Skinner: There's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting down, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention. Science has it all.
Moe: Aw, there's nobody for Moe, I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and dead.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries.
Bart: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like burning!
Krusty: Now, I'm not saying that Jezebel's easy, but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for it's pottery!
Grampa: I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbour.
Patty (about Homer): Look at him wolf down that gristle.
Selma: It's an accident waiting to happen.
Patty: Do you know the Heimlich Manoeuvre?
Selma: No.
Patty: Good.
Manjula: I can't believe it, you closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.
Apu: Well, you and the health inspector.
Cecil: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.
Mrs Krabappel: Embiggen? I never heard of that word before I moved to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
Don Brodka: If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
Chalmers (about Principal Skinner): Good lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up it's butt!
Selma: What are you working on now?
Troy McClure: I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.
Chalmers: You're fired.
Skinner: I'm sorry, did you just call me a liar?
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh, that's much worse.
Grampa: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
Skinner: Attention. All honour students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
Skinner: I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
Skinner: Now, maybe I've been a little too uptight in the past. Well, from now on you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner!
Agnes: Oh no we won't.
Skinner: Yes, Mother.
Chalmers: I have had it with this school Skinner, the low test scores, class after class if ugly, ugly children.
Willie: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
Grampa: Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.
Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?
Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close, move your car!
Mrs Krabappel: I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama.
Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.
Grampa: Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear - it holds the answer to all the important questions
Roger Meyers Jnr: If I puked in a pen and mailed it to the monkey house I'd get better scripts.
Wiggum (trying to describe his location): Oh, uh, I'm uh, I'm on a road, uh, looks to be asphalt...um, oh, geez, trees, shrubs...uh, I'm directly under the earth's sun...now.
Groundskeeper Willie: If elected Mayor, my first act would be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders.
Mr Burns: Get my razors! Draw a bath! Get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!
Smithers: Certainly, sir! And these jars or urine?
Mr Burns: Oh, we'll hang on to those.
Skinner: How do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.
Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, 'round the clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including: when the garbage man came; and when Marge Simpson put the cat out. Possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.
Moe: You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch em in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you're on a team. Well I'm better than dirt, well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff.
Chief Wiggum: Cuff him boys, we're putting this dirt bag away!
Snake: I'll be back on the streets in 24 hours.
Wiggum: We'll try to make it 12.
On the set of the Radioactive Man movie:
Director: Congratulations Bart Simpson, you're our new Fallout Boy. That's what I'd be saying if you weren't an inch too short. Next...
On the set of the Radioactive Man movie (again):
Milhouse: These aren't real x-rays, are they?
Director: Good question, we'll check into that. Okay, x-ray machine to full power and...action.
Reverend Lovejoy: I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion: Do you Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness? Poorness is underlined. In impotence and potence? In quiet solitude, or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated...and it goes on like this.
Kirk: You're letting me go?
Cracker Exec: Kirk, crackers are a family food, happy families. Maybe single people eat our crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So that's it? After twenty years. So long, good luck?
Cracker Exec: I don't recall saying good luck.
Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya. Otherwise, I got no case, and you'll go scot-free.
Nelson (to Lisa): All right! All right! I lied! Let's kiss...
Skinner: Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny: right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess it is a little funny.
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
Mrs Krabappel: I don't entertain much. Usually it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three...
Smithers: Um, well, Sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She'd put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without A Face" - I didn't even know he had a problem!
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh nothing to see here people. Just heading down to the dump with these children's letters to God
